This flows well and the imagery is good. I especially like;
"sour pills long fermenting in
your sidestreet pockets",
"Your hands flutter to stopper my thrashing veins, "
and
"splinted cross of my addiction."
However, I think it would be more powerful if you tighten it up a little. Some parts are a little weak, and I think they drag the poem down a bit. For example;
"And you said "If only I was there, to change the way
it happened, I would still
believe I could save you." "
"beginning of the undoing",
"my own savior"
and
"killing me"
have all become cliche at this point, and your poem will be more powerful if you can think on ways more personal to you to describe these things, and relate them in detail.
I'd also cut unnecessary words, such as;
"so much
as "
and
"possibly ".
Try to keep it concise. I read somewhere, I forget where, that since poets only have a certain amount of space to make their point in, they need to ensure that every single word is contributing to making their point.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Points: 15961
Reviews: 661
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